I wanted to start the week off with another personal list, as it is less time consuming and I've been very busy since last Wednesday. This list is also inspired by Episode 3 of the Boss Battle Podcast which I follow. On the show, they were talking about MLG and more specifically, the politics surrounding it. They also touched on a few annoyances that the gamers affiliated with MLG tend to provide for those of us who still just enjoy playing the games for the entertainment value. I mean, come on, what serious gamer hasn't gotten online only find their blood pressure rising, their hygiene faltering, and their dependence on alcohol increasing. We can thank those little annoyances for all of this, and today I want to make a list of the Top 10 things that drive us not UP, but THROUGH the goddamned wall. Just keep in mind, we have been this bitch ourselves.
The Top Gamers that we HATE!(But sometimes ARE)
10. The Underaged Gamer
This gamer only makes it in at number 10 because it is so damn obvious. Everyone who reads this should have known it was going to be on here. The Underaged Gamer is so annoying for several reasons. First, their pre-pubecent voice gets on your nerves in the first twenty seconds upon hearing them. Second, they only have two possible personalities. They are SO excited to be online talking to the "big kids" that they really believe we want to go into a private game with them JUST to show them the good hiding spots or map tricks. If not that, they want to be big and bad by talking shit to people who are old enough to be their mom or dad. Well, here's the breakdown. If you want to be our friend: Don't bother. Apparently you have none to begin with, and your mom and dad left the Xbox to babysit you. I'm there to play a game and take an hour out of my day to have no responsibilities. You are becoming a responsibility at that point. I don't want to hold your hand and walk you through your online experience. It is actually starting to pain me, ever so slightly, to be this mean, because it isn't like I go around telling kids that they will never have friends, I just can't be one...sorry. Oh, Lord, and for the kids that want to be badass and talk shit...this is very simple and I don't care about being mean. You don't bother gamers in their 20's and 30's. Do you know why? Because, we have actually been through puberty, high-school, college and now we live in the real world with real jobs, real bosses, and real girlfriends and wives. It is obvious that your parents don't love you because you are online talking shit to random strangers, but get real, we have actually been shit on. We've been screwed over and chewed out so much in the last ten years, we really don't care what you have to say to us. Oh, and if you're really that tough on Halo or COD, I'd like to see you shoot a real rifle. Call me in 10 years when you can actually afford and legally own one.
9. The Weapon Hoarder/Loser
Ok, even though I am literally tired already from writing about the Underaged Gamer, I promise to forge ahead and not get too angry. The Weapon Hoarder is that guy who has to rush and gather every power weapon on the map...because they suck. The only way they feel they can compete (or even get a single kill) is to grab these weapons. The inherent problem is that you essentially screw over your entire team. You have practically prevented any kind of strategy by taking these weapons and immediately handing them over to the enemy because you don't know how to use them. Remember, the reason you wanted these weapons is because you suck. Did you really think the Rocket Launcher and Energy Sword were going to save you from even 2 more experienced players? That's really giving you the benefit of doubt. One good player could probabaly still leave you a crying heap and take those weapons back to his friends, but what if they come with 4? YOU ARE BONED! Just as your remaining teammates jog up to the puddle that used to be your body, they are just in time to catch front row seats to that beautiful display of glowing death and rocket trails. Thanks, Weapon Hoarder...for nothing.
8. Music in the Microphone
I like to listen to music while I'm playing online games. I also have a mute button on my microphone that I use quite frequently. That should just about explain what these people are doing wrong. They are the people that want to talk in the lobby, but have loud (and usually shitty) music playing in the background. If that's not bad enough, there are also gamers who really believe we want to hear them sing or rap along with it. Really, like some record producer is going to be in the lobby with you (just wanting to blow off some steam after a long day) and says to himself, "now that's the sound I've been looking for!". Well then, I believe you forgot what everyone you are playing with sounds like through YOUR speakers. Yea, you sound that digitized and out-of-tune also. It could be the most kick-ass song ever that's playing in the background, but it is going to sound like bad karaoke being played through a cassette player with the batteries dying.
7. Not victorious and not moved at all
This is an interesting breed of gamer because they don't have to necessarily be a dick. It is undeniable, though, how annoying they can be. These people just get to you SO bad. What do you have to do to get them to realize that they aren't God's gift to gaming? Here's an example. I was recently playing Halo and I found myself in a match pitted against 4 members of a well known clan. My team decided to ditch on me and I was left with one teammate who racked up an impressive...4 kills. The match ended with just seconds left on the clock with a final score of 50 to 37. My team had just won. That's right, I ran 46 kills to their entire team's 37. Upon returning to the lobby, I was immediately invited by the "leader" of this paticular team (apparently he was the officer that was taking these newer recruits out for "practice") to join the clan under his unit...or plattoon...or whatever the hell they break down as. Well, I thought that maybe it was finally time to join up with some sort of clan and take my gaming to the next level...wait a damn minute, I have to be under you? I beat the hell out of your entire team, you included, by myself! Wait, what? You have to read me the rules and I have to repeat the oath? You are already scheduling practice for me? DUDE I JUST KICKED YOUR ASS! Shouldn't you be asking ME to take your team out and train them, cause you're doing a shitty job. Ok, now that I'm finished with that story, you hopefully get the idea. These are the people that will talk you down while your patiently (and silently) waiting on the map to load, and then have nothing to say (or a lame excuse) when you go killing machine on them during the game. No reaction period, because God forbid they run into one person who usurps their authority. You just can't always be the big dog in the party. Sorry dude.
6. Team Ditchers
Pretty self-explanatory. These are the guys who either ditch the game because they are losing, or they enter the game and don't do anything. They just stand there where they spawn and wait for the enemy to find them. Did they go make a sandwich or something? Either way this is annoying because of the subsequent screen re-load and inevitable ditching of other players whose patience had worn thin.
5. The Glitch Whore
Well, sometimes you just can't avoid it: There will be glitches in games and the gamers that REALLY love that game WILL FIND THEM. Now, I have to admit that the super-bounces from Halo 2 were pretty entertaining. Still, it just isn't fun when you can get completely screwed over based on a FLAW in the game. Let's keep that in mind: the game is flawed. The biggest argument in support of using glitches is because it is part of the game and the better gamer will know how to use it to his/her advantage. Well, let me get away from shooters for a second and use another example. Let's pretend you are at the arcade and really want to play Marvel v. Capcom 2. You like this game and are pretty good at it. So you waltz up and stick your money in to play this goofy looking bastard that doesn't look like he knows what he's doing. He's using Gambit as his primary character and you think, "wow what a shitty team, this oughtta be fun". Then in the first 10 seconds of the game he has inflicted superior damage on you, so he decides to flee the battlefield while he has the advantage...literally, he flies off the screen. See, there's a nifty little trick where you can fly Gambit off the screen and let the timer run out to secure an easy victory. Now that's pretty damn cheap, but, without gonig into too much detail, there's several "infinite" combos stuck in MvC2 also. Games will always have flaws, and gamers will exploit them.
4. The Spawn Stalker
Everyone hates the spawn killer. These are the guys that camp out at spawn points to snag easy kills. They literally have you dead before your screen even comes back up. But, there are several ways to do it. Let's look at the three most annoying.
Name: The Crouch Stalker
Most Notorious in: Call of Duty series
M.O.: The Crouch stalker likes to hide in a corner usually behind and just out of sight of spawning enemies. He then proceeds to take a (usually silenced) sub-machine gun or handgun and fill all returning players full of brand-new holes to replace the old ones.
Name: The Spawn Sniper
Most Notorious in: Halo and Call of Duty
M.O.: The Spawn Sniper waits from a secure perch with plenty of cover. He/She then stays scoped in on a certain spawn point while his/her teammates try to keep fresh enemies spawning there. Carnage ensues.
Name: The Spawn Trapper
Most Notorious in: Goldeneye
M.O. The Spawn Trapper's favorite method of douche-baggery consists of using C4, Claymores, or any other type of planted anti-personel explosive device to trap the freshly spawned enemies in that designated area. The only options are to designate someone to effectively set off the traps, allowing the teammates to escape, or wait to be cut down by one of the spawn killers listed above. Good luck, fucker.
3. Excessive Cussing and Racial Slurs
This is easily the most annoying thing about 1. having a microphone and 2. having to deal with people online. Some people use the microphone for the right reasons. They communicate well and work well with teammates or they are friendly and give and recieve advice in the lobby. Then there are those who insist the microphone was included with the Xbox for the sole purpose of flooding stranger's living rooms with the most vile profanity and bigotry. Seriously, I don't want to turn down my speakers because you can't shut up for two minutes about infected vaginas and how much you hate the Mexicans next door or whatever the hell your problem is. They are probably from a Central American country that you couldn't find on a map anyway. If you insist on using profanity, please be creative and humorous with it. That's hilarious. But, if you just sound like someone with a 15 word vocabulary, I highly doubt anyone wants to hear you repeat that same shit over and over and over...
2. The Screen Watcher
Yes, the most obviously annoying asshole-gamer behavior. Oddly enough, it is the most instantly gratifying, as you are allowed to give them the finger right there on the spot instead of the internet gamers that will go on unknowing about your intense, psychotic rage toward them. Seriously though, this is the great-grandaddy of all things that piss off gamers. Yep, I would trace my own hatred for this...probably back to the "strategic weapon choices" of Super Mario Kart. Ahh, the memories. Let's just reminisce about our favorite times we've gotten owned and jumped on the chance to call someone a "screen watching whore".
1. The Red Turtle Sheller
While I'm mentioning Mario Kart, I have decided to name the number one Most Annoying Gamer we HATE in honor of the series. Keep in mind, though, that this gamer can be found EVERYWHERE. This is the gamer that is not as skilled or experienced as you, but they catch every break, spawn with the best weapons, and just find themselves at the right place in the right time. Basically, they have all the luck, and YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT THEM. It doesn't matter what type of game it is. Whether you are trying to out-shoot, out-drive, or out-fight this gamer, they just Inspector Gadget their way to victory and it pisses you off to no end. It may be that perfect spawn spot, that right Tetris piece, that across-the-map knife or grenade throw, or even the infamous Red Turtle Shell right before the finish line, this person WILL get it, and they WILL beat you.
Well that's it and I hope you enjoyed another laid-back personal list. I must admit though, I got a little mad just writing about these gamers. Look for a few more lists later in the week, including Snake's Top 10 Video Game Crushes, and make sure to check out Boss Battle Podcast with Dave and Mike.
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